Ugh. My husband does things
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Ugh. My husband does things like this, too. It's crazy making.
Submitted by jennalemon on
That happens here too....ALL the time. Very hard to have a normal conversation ever.
I will say something or ask him a casual question.
10 seconds go by.
I say, "Did you hear me?"
DH: "YES, I HEARD you".
10 seconds go by.
Me: "So what do you think about that?"
DH: With loud irritation, "I am THINKING about it. Let me process that, will you?"
15 more seconds go by.
Me: "Are you still thinking?"
Dh: "About what?"
I don't take that as ADD but something else. I have never seen him do that to other people. I think he is trying to make it difficult to talk to him so that he doesn't have to talk about something....manipulating and asserting an attitude of controland belligerence that he thinks is funny for him (winning).
Jenna, I read your post to
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
Jenna, I read your post to him and he just looked at me blankly, not saying anything. Twenty mins later, still nothing. Guess he's not going to address it. I think that's kind of strange.
I once brought up going to Disney World and he lit up like fireworks and talked animatedly about it. It is interesting how he can do that for some things and is a complete corpse about everything else.
Give him some of his own medicine....
Submitted by c ur self on
If my wife was doing me that way, I would take a set period of time a month or however long it took and I would not initiate one conversation, every thing from meal plans to sex...I would make her come to me and start the conversation...It wouldn't take long until she wanted to know what's up...At that time, I would explain, that I don't plan to waste my time on someone so unconcerned about my feelings and our day to day communications, that i may are may not get a response from...I would just explain, it would work better, if you come get my attention, because I love and respect you enough to answer you...If it's add and he is not processing, but he has learned that you will continue to repeat yourself so y'all will eventually get there, this test of non-conversation initiation may expose that also. Any behavior that continually creates frustration for any of us needs dealt with in a constructive way...Anyone who can create negative emotions in us can control us.
That is true about the
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
That is true about the negative emotions, they just take over. The not processing though, I think when he's made aware he can AT LEAST not snap at me and start getting nasty when I ask for a response.
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree...there is no excuse for any of us to respond in angry outbursts...I can't speak for all adder's, but my wife can be very self absorbed when she is locked into atelevision program or something she likes. She will do the same thing that you are talking about here...We are working that out though...My wife has a terrible time following a conversation...I think it's one reason she likes to talk so much more than have to try and listen...she gets lost easily...which leads to frustration for her...I am slowly learning what makes her tick...It has helped :)
I have had this same exact
Submitted by amlee87 on
I have had this same exact issue with my ADD husband, and I have EXPLODED at him because I feel like I NEVER see him do that to other people and after a while I thought he was doing it to me on purpose!!! After multiple awful blowout arguments, he finally shoved his pride aside, stopped twisting things around and blaming it on me and finally said, "I don't seem to do it to other people because when I am with other people in a social setting, I am actually working REALLY hard to pay attention to them, nonstop. I find myself constantly drifting while they're talking and in my head I keep saying 'focus, focus, focus' until I get back on track with what they're saying. I have to work hard at it, and it sucks. If I don't pay attention to them, it makes them think I don't care and it upsets people, and I don't want that." When I angrily replied, "well, how come you care so much about what other people think and work so hard to keep your attention for them, but it doesn't matter when you're dealing with me?!" He frankly told me that after being at work all day, in social situations, etc where he has to work very hard at paying attention to people, he comes home and relishes in the fact that he can just be himself and can get a break from the stress of trying to focus on other people. He confessed that sometimes he does the same thing when talking to me where he has to work really hard to focus because he's aware it makes me feel unimportant when he drifts and he doesn't want me to feel that way, but most of the time he just can't put the effort in. After he told me this, I started noticing that he does get a very particular look in his eyes during conversations that have lasted longer than I expected with him, and I can tell he is working to stay on track. It actually makes me really sad to see this look in his eyes because I can't imagine having to work so hard just to pay attention to a basic conversation, and I feel bad for him because I know it's a struggle. I don't hold it against him anymore but it still pisses me off quite a bit sometimes. I just need to ground myself when I get angry about it and remind myself that he is truly not doing it on purpose.
Submitted by c ur self on
You really nailed it with this example...It has made me say to myself...How do i show love to my spouse...what are her needs? In my case I need to avoid the monologs she can't follow, I also must recognize her need for down time, regardless of my desires/needs...because it all boils down to living w/her in an understanding manner...It is selfish of me, and futile also to allow myself to press her for something she does not possess. If I ignore these signs that is when strained emotions usually come into play...I don't know about the rest of you but it is very difficult for my wife to admit what your husband opened up and shared w/you...
Submitted by amlee87 on
This happens all the time at our house, too. I do not have ADD, my husband does. It's incredibly frustrating. I repeat myself over and over and then my husband gets pissed at me! He verifies that he did in fact hear me, but will NOT respond the first time I ask him a question! I can only repeat myself so many times before I lose patience, feel worthless and uninteresting to him and just walk out of the room. He doesn't even notice when I stomp out of a room because I'm tired of losing him halfway through a conversation, repeating myself etc. This makes me 10 times more angry, upset and it makes me feel even more worthless. It's a vicious cycle and I keep telling myself that he can't help it, but after a while it just feels like he doesn't care. When I bring it to his attention, he insists he can't help it and that I just need to accept it because it is who he is and that's just the end of it. I guess it's all on me, then.
Exactly how I feel. I feel so
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
Exactly how I feel. I feel so invisible and like I don't matter.
Why does my husband not respond when I talk to him? ›
There are a few reasons why a husband would ignore their wife. They may be experiencing stress, having problems at work, or may even be mad at their spouse. There's a chance they may be losing interest in the relationship as well. If your husband ignores you, talk to them about it and ask them to stop ignoring you.Why is it so hard to be married to someone with ADHD? ›
There are a few reasons why: People with ADHD may find it harder to be intimate with someone due to symptoms such as impulsiveness and being easily distracted. Sex may be less enjoyable for both partners. For the partner with ADHD, they aren't able to fully focus on either the physical or emotional aspects of sex.How do I communicate with my ADHD husband? ›
- Educate. Educate yourself on how ADHD affects someone. ...
- Don't Take Everything Personally. It's hard not to take something personally when you are in a relationship. ...
- Know They Are Trying. No one asks to have ADHD. ...
- Reflect On Who You Are.
Partners diagnosed with ADHD share many of the same frustrations as their non-ADHD counterparts. They feel misunderstood and unloved. They get angry when their partners criticize them a lot. They worry when their relationship breaks down because of their disorganization and distractibility.What is a stonewalling husband? ›
Stonewalling, one of the Four Horsemen, is Dr. John Gottman's term for one or both partners shutting down when feeling overwhelmed during conflict. Rather than confronting the issue, someone who is stonewalling will be unresponsive, making evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, or acting busy.How do you survive a married person with ADHD? ›
- Read up. Learning about ADHD can increase your understanding and compassion for your partner. ...
- Make a routine. ...
- Set reminders. ...
- Minimize messes. ...
- Seek clarity.
In rare cases where ADHD is severe or becomes a central issue in the relationship, it could lead to divorce. For starters, if someone has impulse control issues, it could affect their spending habits, which are often a financial stressor in any marriage.Do ADHD people have relationship issues? ›
Symptoms of ADHD that can cause relationship problems
If you have ADHD, you may zone out during conversations, which can make your partner feel ignored and devalued. You may also miss important details or mindlessly agree to something you don't remember later, which can be frustrating to your loved one. Forgetfulness.
An ADHD sufferer may be unable to pay attention to anything that isn't new, which pulls attention away from the relationship as it matures. Because he's not aware that he's doing anything wrong, the ADHD partner often doesn't respond or take the necessary steps to focus on the relationship.How do people with ADHD view relationships? ›
For many people affected by ADHD, key symptoms like inattention, forgetfulness, and disorganization negatively affect their relationships. The partners without ADHD can misinterpret their partners' intentions, resulting in increased frustration and resentment.
Is ADHD spouse exhausting? ›
If your spouse has ADHD, the symptoms of the condition may create challenges in your relationship. This can also contribute to stress and burnout. If you're struggling to cope, taking steps to improve your communication can help. Understanding your spouse's condition is also important.How can I tell if my husband has ADHD? ›
- Your partner has trouble controlling themself. ...
- Your partner has problems focusing. ...
- Your partner is forgetful. ...
- Your partner has trouble with time management.
Social Skills in Adults with ADHD. Individuals with ADHD often experience social difficulties, social rejection, and interpersonal relationship problems as a result of their inattention, impulsivity and hyperactivity. Such negative interpersonal outcomes cause emotional pain and suffering.Does ADHD qualify for Social Security disability? ›
If you or a loved one with ADHD meets the triggers as listed by the SSA's impairments under neurological conditions for ADHD or other disorders, you may qualify for SSDI. The SSA updated its listing for anxiety disorders under neurological disorders to include other disorders such as OCD.What is gaslighting in a marriage? ›
The term gaslighting became popular in the 1960s. It is used to describe the manipulation of another person's perception of reality. Gaslighting is a common tool used by narcissistic and abusive spouses to control their partners. When done correctly, gaslighting can make a spouse doubt their own senses and memory.What are the four horsemen in marriage? ›
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.What is bulldozing in a relationship? ›
'Bulldozers are people whose aggressive behaviour often intimidates you, the person you wish you could stand up to but feel you haven't got the confidence or the know-how to deal with. People who behave in this punchy, aggressive way are out to get their own way regardless of what other people think, do or say.What is emotional neglect in marriage? ›
Emotional neglect occurs when a spouse fails on a regular basis to attend to or respond to their partner's emotional needs. This is marked by a distinct lack of action by one person toward the feelings of the other, including an absence of awareness, consideration, or response to a spouse's emotions.What is emotional abandonment in marriage? ›
In the context of a marriage, the feelings of neglect, being left out, and not being heard are collectively referred to as emotional abandonment. It occurs when one partner is so preoccupied with their own concerns that they are unable to notice the struggles, concerns, or problems their partner is experiencing.How do I communicate with a silent husband? ›
- Don't assume you know the reason for the silent treatment. ...
- Explain to your Silent Spouse your need and desire to communicate. ...
- Be ready to listen, not just talk. ...
- Be gracious, not caustic or sarcastic, when your spouse does make the effort to talk with you.
What is the divorce rate for people with ADHD? ›
More revealing is the fact that 38 percent of respondents with ADHD said their marriage had teetered close to divorce in the past. An additional 22 percent said divorce had “crossed my mind;” just 31 percent of respondents with ADHD said they had never given a thought to divorce.Do ADHD marriages end in divorce? ›
More often than not, adults with ADHD struggle in long term relationships and, sadly, over time the chances of divorce increase far more rapidly for those with ADHD in their relationship than for those who don't have it.How to love an ADHD man? ›
- Go on a date every week.
- Treat each other with respect. Learn to love each other's quirks.
- Don't worry about who is right. The goal is to move forward — not to stay stuck in an argument. It is more important to have a mutually satisfying relationship than it is to be right all of the time.
The impact of adult ADHD on marriages can be terrible for couples with one or more partners with the condition. Research suggests that the marital “maladjustment” rate may be close to 60%. Statistics on the divorce rate for those with ADHD vary, seemingly depending upon the age of the respondents in the study.What mental disorder does ADHD fall under? ›
Despite being classified as a neurodevelopmental mental health condition, most experts and doctors are moving towards an understanding of ADHD as a strictly neurodevelopmental condition. Having ADHD does not automatically mean you have poor mental health.How does ADHD affect communication? ›
Blurting out answers, interrupting, talking excessively and speaking too loudly all break common communication standards, for example. People with ADHD also often make tangential comments in conversation, or struggle to organize their thoughts on the fly.What not to do to someone with ADHD? ›
- Don't Dismiss the Condition.
- Don't Suggest That ADHD Is Overdiagnosed.
- Don't Criticize ADHD Symptoms.
- Don't Blame Parenting or Discipline.
- Don't Discriminate.
- Avoid Making Comparisons.
- Understand and set your boundaries knowing that you will likely need to do some “work” to enforce them. ...
- Start small. ...
- Choose realistic boundaries. ...
- Pick your battles.
Adults with ADHD tend to do or say things without thinking. They might blurt out something insensitive, or make a big purchase without looking at their finances or having a discussion with you first. Their impulsive tendencies can often lead to reckless, even destructive actions.
Attention deficit symptoms
People with ADHD may have difficulty maintaining positive relationships with family and friends. They may have more relationship problems with their partner or spouse and are more likely to be divorced than someone without ADHD.
How does ADHD affect love? ›
Understanding ADHD Relationships
The condition, alone, can't make or break a romantic relationship. But, if symptoms of attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD) are not properly acknowledged, treated, and accepted, they can — and often do — create or exacerbate marital tensions.
This condition is linked to ADHD and experts suspect it happens due to differences in brain structure. Those differences mean your brain can't regulate rejection-related emotions and behaviors, making them much more intense.Are people with ADHD obsessive in relationships? ›
The roots of hyperfocus in ADHD relationships are complex, but the end result is often clear: While some partners may feel smothered, many get swept away by the over-the-top adoration. Then, when the obsessive love fades — or, more commonly, ends abruptly — the other partner feels abandoned and keenly bereft.What is walkaway wife syndrome? ›
What Is a Walkaway Wife? Also referred to as the "neglected wife syndrome" and "sudden divorce syndrome," walkaway wife syndrome is "nothing more than a term used to characterize a person who has decided they cannot stay in the marriage any longer," says Joshua Klapow, Ph.What are the symptoms of marriage burnout? ›
Feelings of hopelessness, sadness, feelings of emptiness, meaninglessness, and depression are among the symptoms of mental burnout. Decreased self-esteem, negative emotions, and frustration with one's spouse are among the symptoms of emotional burnout .How does the non ADHD partner feel? ›
The non-ADHD partner may often experience:
Being ignored, criticized, and nagged. Being neglected and unwanted. Lonely, offended, hopeless, and unappreciated. Hurtful because of rude and dismissive behavior.
Adults with ADHD frequently report they have difficulty negotiating social situations and interpersonal relationships, and with maintaining friendships. They also tend to view themselves as being less socially competent, as well as more emotionally sensitive to the social violations of others.Why do people with ADHD have lower self esteem? ›
ADHD, especially if not managed well, can lead to constant frustration and self-criticism. The cumulative impact of these frustrations, criticisms, real and perceived failures, self-blaming, and guilt turn self-esteem into rubble.Does ADHD medication help with communication? ›
Although stimulant medication improves attention and concentration, it does not improve all aspects of language abilities in children with ADHD.Is ADHD a mental or emotional disorder? ›
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a common mental health condition. While people may use different terms for ADHD, technically it does fall into the broad category of “mental illness.”
Is ADHD something you are born with? ›
Genetics. ADHD tends to run in families and, in most cases, it's thought the genes you inherit from your parents are a significant factor in developing the condition. Research shows that parents and siblings of someone with ADHD are more likely to have ADHD themselves.Do adults with ADHD get benefits? ›
Adults with severe ADHD symptoms may be able to receive Social Security Disability (SSD) payments. If you feel that the disorder has prevented you from keeping a job or working in any capacity because of the severity of your symptoms, you may be eligible.What is emotional neglect in a marriage? ›
Emotional neglect occurs when a spouse fails on a regular basis to attend to or respond to their partner's emotional needs. This is marked by a distinct lack of action by one person toward the feelings of the other, including an absence of awareness, consideration, or response to a spouse's emotions.Why does my partner ignore me when I talk? ›
There could be several reasons why he's ignoring you. If you notice that he's giving you the silent treatment, it could be because he is losing interest in you, is upset with you, or is confused about your intentions. He may even be dating someone new without telling you.How do you tell if your husband is uninterested in you? ›
- He's no longer affectionate with you.
- He spends a lot of time alone or out of the house.
- He doesn't really engage in conversation with you anymore.
- He's become closed off.
- He no longer goes out of his way to care for your relationship.
- Identify what's changed.
- She begins crying when discussing her feelings. ...
- You realize that you are not sharing things with your partner. ...
- She starts to feel down about her appearance. ...
- Your sex life is non-existent. ...
- You're no longer a priority. ...
- You realize you aren't taking time to appreciate her.
- Accept differences. Your partner may simply be more private than you by nature. ...
- Don't demand connection. ...
- Give them some space. ...
- Try not to criticize. ...
- Focus on your own goals.
Loneliness in a marriage can be caused by a number of different things. Family, work, and stress often play a role, but internal factors such as your own unrealistic expectations and fear of vulnerability can also make it hard to connect with your spouse.What are signs of emotional invalidation? ›
Emotional invalidation can look like blaming, name calling, and problem-solving before understanding the other person's experience. Playing down another person's experience is another way to invalidate.How do you know when to walk away from a marriage? ›
- No respect toward you and your needs.
- No trust with your partner.
- Lack of value for the things you do for them.
- Your marriage has started exhibiting toxic traits.
- Selfish behavior without any heed for you.
- You're the only one making compromises and sacrifices.
Is ignoring your partner toxic? ›
When silence, or, rather, the refusal to engage in a conversation, is used as a control tactic to exert power in a relationship, then it becomes "the silent treatment," which is toxic, unhealthy, and abusive.Is ignoring your partner manipulative? ›
It's fine to ask for time to reflect on an argument or to tell someone who deeply hurt you that you no longer wish to speak to them. But ignoring a person to punish them or make them fearful is a manipulative tactic. Gaslighting.Why does my husband give me the silent treatment? ›
Some reasons why your partner may rely on the silent treatment include: They have poor communication skills and don't know how to express their needs or emotions. They struggle with control issues. They are not self-aware enough about their use of the silent treatment to make changes.What is an emotionally absent husband? ›
An emotionally unavailable man has a difficult time knowing how to engage in the real-stuff conversations. In some instances, he may have some capacity to listen, but is emotionally shutting that part of himself down so that you don't get too close. If that's the case, you will likely feel shut down and alone.